Some random stuff that made me laugh so hard I fell out of my chair.

I’m not afraid of death. What’s it gonna do? Kill me?

Copy and paste this to your profile if you haven’t died yet.

Cross over to the dark side… WE HAVE COOKIES!!!!!!!

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it

They say ‘Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.’ Well, I think the guns help. If you just stood there and yelled BANG I don’t think you’d kill too many people.

If you don’t like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

Never knock on Death’s door, ring the bell and run away, he hates that

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most

An apple keeps the doctor away, if well aimed

When people ask dumb questions, I feel obligated to give sarcastic answers.

I’ve always wanted to go into an elevator full of strangers and say “I bet you’re wondering why I’ve gathered you all here today.”

If I still can’t hear or understand what you said after you repeated it 3 times, I’ll just laugh and hope it wasn’t a question.

I constantly have weird conversations with my friends and then think if someone heard us, they would take us to a mental hospital.

I love how in scary movies, the person yells out “Hello?” As if the bad guy is going to be like, “Yeah, I’m in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?”

I hate how, when it’s dark, your brain suddenly thinks, you know what we haven’t thought of in a long time? Demons!

When I’m waiting in a long line for food, I rehearse the order in my head.

Using a different word because you can’t spell the one you originally wanted to use.

If people winked as much in real life as they did in texts, the world would be a pretty creepy place.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving isn’t for you.

I don’t care how old I am. If I see a bubble, I will hunt it down and pop it.

What happens if you get scared half to death… twice?

Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.

The dinosaurs extinction wasn’t an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.

I run with scissors, it makes me feel dangerous.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep – not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

I smile because I have no idea what’s going on!

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have more birthdays live longer.

Didn’t fall, I was just testing gravity. Yep, still works.

Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.

I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the wall gets in the way.

I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I’d love to punch in the face.

If you fall, I’ll be there. -Floor

Laughing so hard, no noise coming out, so you sit there clapping like a retarded seal.

That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, knock down 2 lamps, and kill a cat.

Best friends are people who will kill each other over a bag of chips.

They’re laughing at me because the think I’m weird. I’m laughing at them because they only figured it out now.

I love school. Except for the learning part. That part gotta go.

When life gives you lemons…you throw them at people!

If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic…

An apple a day keeps the doctor away… but why would you want to keep him away when you have the chance of meeting him and helping him save the world some day? You know what? I’m going to stop eating apples right now.

I’m pretty sure Mondays need to go die.

Don’t try to out-weird me. YOU WILL LOSE.

I didn’t lose my mind. It’s at home sitting next to my common sense.

If you get caught staring at least you know he was looking back.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.

You say I’m not cool. Cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I must be hot. I already knew that, but thank you for telling me!

1 out of 4 people are insane. Look at your three best friends. If it’s not them, it’s you.

My shinbone has a purpose: I use it to find furniture in dark rooms.

There is always a voice in the back of my head telling me what is good for me. I usually turn it off by having chocolate.

Of course I’m out of my mind! It’s dark and scary in there!

I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.

I used up all my sick days…so I called in dead.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall through a sewer hole and die.

If aliens are looking for intelligent life, why the heck are you scared?!

I’m a female. Fe = Iron. Male = Man. Therefore, I am Iron man. If you are a nerd, you will agree now that females are the dominant gender.

When cleaning my room: 1% cleaning, 30% complaining, 69% playing with stuff I just found.

That LIKE A BOSS moment when you get the answer right and the smart kid doesn’t. But what if you’re the smart kid?

Shower = the place of thoughts and decision making.

If you can’t win an argument, correct their grammar instead.

No one is afraid of heights, they are afraid of the fall. No one is afraid of the dark, they’re afraid of what’s in it.

No ipods in school, yeah like hearing “Winter Wrap Up” for the millionth time will give me all of the answers.

I hate when websites ask, “are you human?” umm hello? I’m obviously a Dracon/time lord/nerd/unicorn/Ravenclaw house Hogwarts student/Jedi.

“H3y, wh@t R y0uu dO!nq?!” Well, I’m about to throw a dictionary in your face.

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much

We’re best friends. You hurt, I hurt. You laugh, I laugh. You jump off a bridge, I laugh harder.

Reality is more fun when you make it up

Kids are the future. Be afraid. Be very afraid!

What happens if you get scared half to death twice? That’s a really good question…i wonder…

You feel feel sorry for me because I’m mad

And I pity you because you think you’re normal.

Anyway, I hope you liked this!


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